I was Dead for a While, But I’m Back Now

(This is really the first post of a new blog i’m spinning up- Life After Silence

Any subscribers to Spaced Explorations who wish to see what my next life’s adventures may entail, please pop on over and subscribe to https://lifeaftersilence.wordpress.com/ )

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In the long run, atemporal dreaming (aka ‘prophetic’) is not really all that practical. Because, like any family member or friend whom you see going down a bad road and no matter how you try to get it through their head that they are headed the wrong direction… well… YOU JUST CAN’T TELL YOURSELF ANYTHING.

My house killed me. I was a complete Zombie for nine months and struggled for years. (chemical sensitivities and) Mold illness is/are one of those ‘invisible diseases’ the Medical Establisment doesn’t even acknowledge. Kind of like chronic Lyme- and infact they often go together. I don’t *need* ticks for a building to kill me though. They *like* to do that. And fungi tend to mistake me for a tree.

I had to leave that poisonous structure. And a year and a half later, when senses too-long buried are waking up again- I realize I am not the person I was. As a magical/claimed Name and personage- Sandwalker I was. But the name has not ‘felt right’ for years. Sandwalker is dead. That house killed her. Buried her in the Swamp. I didnt’ know who I was. I know I’m someone different, now.

Forces Opposite but Equal: When a Chiron ruled person who knows enough of their Wound encounters their Poison Most Foul and says – no thanks i’d rather have my liver pecked out daily by an eagle- we aren’t kidding.

Uranus in the home-arena (i don’t recommend). Leads to unusual living circumstances- so done with ‘buildings kill me’ and hope i’ll never have to re learn THAT lesson- and onto ‘the latter half of my life in a home situation I could not imagine’ . . . It’s looking like taking shape as a ‘bedroom cabin’ of my own. A safe-house. YES. the Evil House is being fixed. Doesn’t hurt my kid anymore. And even if I can personally never go back- at least it’s going to be a fit place to store my husband and child.

Except I’ve not only *imagined* the place that’s in the plans to build me. I’ve seen it. I’ve been inside it. Years ago, in a dream. It’s not what I was hoping for currently (I wanted to try a cob structure for a change)- just another wooden building. BUT now we know how to properly build stuff and THAT SHOULD HELP.

Something I’ve learned recently:

When I am an Old Lady, I’m going to have to watch out for my time-traveling younger self coming snooping around! No wonder that character was always so tight-lipped- you can’t give anything away! I’ve also learned that i -my past self- may have been one of those ‘someone was there helping me don’t know who it was.’ in some of those occasional dark-years dreams i strove, but still yet failed, to really remember. One of the Unseen Allies.

Am I that old lady yet? I feel like I *better not* have to get another ‘next life’ before I actually ditch this body for good. So I hope I am! But ‘this me’ feels brand new- if I stay this way she has time to develop/mature into that old lady.

Also if ‘older me’ in the dreams has had white hair, well, it may just be to make the point she’s ‘older’. Everything in dreams shifts and is metaphorical- or sometimes too literal!

I don’t have dreams like that anymore BTW.

It’s ok. I still have all the old ones captured, so I have plenty sci-fi short story materials!

I also noted a good deal of other, accurate-enough, future observations from back-in-the-nonlinear-time-dreaming days, while searching for the ‘wise woman dreams’. Such as porches on the original (killer) house and the number of apple trees in the orchard (different than the years in which i dreamed, but became so). Smooth hardwood floors on the entirety of the original house- no, we’re not there yet but husband is talking about it. And also the size and exact layout of this now being planned cabin. The location on the farm, spatially, confused me while i was in the dream, and for a number of years after. Now i note that it was, where i want to put it now. Although i think i’m going to change the position of the door.

And the way-to this cabin and future self.

The Path is Paved in Rot. I ignored this as Sandwalker. It occurred in a number of the dream encounters with this future-self entity, but it was not something I thought I had to ‘figure out’… I thought I already knew. But I didnt know that ‘mold’ does not always come with ‘the smell of mold’ so I really didn’t know the original (killer) house was like this -even from the very beginning probably, cause when people build their first house, they don’t always know what they are doing. (So many mistakes. Some honest and some are just embarrassing/shameful.)

But from the perspective of now, on the other side of that rift… Looking back at the series of dreams in which i’m looking for her, yes. There are signals everywhere- from the literal path to the cabin being a disintegrating-rotten boardwalk, to times when I must not have traveled far enough into the future, and I found her melded to the roots of a mangrove swamp; prone, grown-in, un responsive. I must have tried to access the Zombie-years on that one. There seems no way to tell *where* on one’s timeline one is, inside those non linear dreams! For that night, I re-adjusted and found her in the next dream on the sand, animated, cooking, happy. And, even though i was unknowing of this one rather insignificant passing dream when i was, infact, grown-in, that is exactly how i described myself during the bad years. Buried under swamp.

In this series of pursuit-dreams, had some 12-14 years ago, I did get a name. And recently, in shamanic experiences of returning length/intensity enough to say I’m having them- I was called that name. (Which is what made me go tracking that series of dreams to begin with.)

The first time, it did not sit well- it was uncomfortable to wear that name and it got sprung on me rather un expectedly- ‘Shit Comet i don’t know about all that!’- as time passes, it’s getting a wee bit comfier to hear. But when I took the name Sandwalker, -even though i felt it fit the very moment I received it- I still waited a full year before officially claiming it. Made sure i wouldn’t just move on from it quickly. Tested it online to see how it fit during that year.

Not sure how long i’ll wait now, before I take up a new name I’ve known for so long, yet have never said aloud.

Angles for May 8th, the 14th Hour.

I haven’t done any angles in forever, but I was compelled to look at a chart of This Moment, around a quarter past two. This is what I found:

Just beautiful, isn’t it?

Here, at the fourteenth hour, the moon casts reflections, and the archer draws the bow string back. Looks like he has 2 arrows, if the tip’s pointing down. Or Saturn the grip of his hand on the bow, and mars the arrow about to fly. Funny the arrow’s tip in sag. His aim comes from the moon, Jupiter and Neptune the bow’s ends. I haven’t looked at any angles in a long time, and this moment’s are striking. The triple earth trine is lovely, the dynamic squares are deeply felt.

Three of the squares’ planets in two places are retrograde, creating powerful echoes. The four-cornered square is impressive, but the Moon is only casting reflections on her way by, leaving a triad of squares, the arrow having left the bow, still in the archer’s hand. Current reality may be in opposition to one’s dreams, or wishes? (Jupiter opp. Neptune), but it’s certainly not dull, with movement (sign sag.) in both immediate actions(mars), and the long term(Saturn).

The triple trine is felt as the spirit behind the action, the person behind the bow.. and also a harmony with the springtime earth. The triad of sunny planets in Taurus really gathers earthy strength. Each of the triad’s corners have a planet in retrograde. There are an even more impressively symmetrical distribution of powerful echoes in the archer, than in her bow. But it’s not as easy to recognize the harmony of a trine as to notice the pushy, dynamic square.

Jupiter is the archer’s head. At which the red lines of tension or activation and the blue of harmony meet. That’s a serious amount of pressure, even for such a large gas giant.

Uranus touches both major dynamic angular systems, sending a bit of discord into the triple trines via Pluto, and a bit of harmony into the three squares via Saturn. Very strange. As usual. shedding a bit of light for a different perspective.

Chiron stands at the dream’s (Neptune) right shoulder, but isn’t really involved. Just a passing brush with mercury incase he needs to speak. amusing, you.

 

Begin Where You Are

This is something that I apparently need to hear fairly regularly from my spiritguide, as he has been telling me it for years, from time to time. It is about practice. One cannot simply ‘poof’ into perfection, mastery, enlightenment, or whatever other goal one might have. Sure, there are imperfections, hang-ups, fears. But if you think you are too unworthy to even get started, how are you going to get anywhere, find out what your really made of? Or, something like that… Interestingly that old teaching-phrase seems to have.. shall I say, changed keys, if I were to use musical language, and the result is a nice little meditation. teaching. thing:

Begin Where You Are

Before any other action is taken, gather your awareness to your center. Center yourself. That still, silent point within you.

It may be in a different location of the body for different people. It may change over time for one person. [for me, it was at my solar plexus] Your body naturally knows where it’s own strength lies. . .

Gather yourself within, before reaching outward. You may begin to see a light shine. Find your still center even before extending your senses down into the Ground. Before reaching out to the Cosmos. Before speaking any Word [Intention].

Become aware of your own boundaries. Of the source of your own power. The still, peaceful place. Do this before mingling or extending yourself with or to other energies.

Begin where you are. Begin within yourself. Let the personal center’s tranquility spread outward, into body and mind. Let it still your spirit [he laughs] It is your spirit. Allow the rest of you to become comfortable in that stillness.

Copyright Melanie Degen 2013

Reflection III: The Dragon’s Eye

Catch the Sun’s reflection
Through the Moon

Filter in Mystery

Dragon heart
born of Dragon’s blood
Borne on Dragon’s Fire
a blue Dragon of the Water

An electrical storm
in the Twilight

Neither light or dark
violent nor calm

Yet releasing Energy
everywhere.

Life-giving Rains,
Red, filtered to Blue.

Man in the Moon.

Jedi Warriors- Dragonmen
Brothers in Blue
In Between.

~*~

Through the boundary
Of the Dragon’s Eye
–Two souls may touch.

Are you strong enough?
–The Dragon’s question.

. . .

Dragonman
holds his dragonheart
In his hands for me.

I am only a mirror
at the bottom of a pool
And there’s blood
in the water

———–

No God can compare
to the beast forged
In the Goddess’ Cauldron
that is the Dragon’s Eye.

~*~

Life-giving Rains
electric water
Fallen from the Heavens
to the Earth
Dropped by comets

First Flow, Spirals out
All the way
To now

And he walks the many
shifting paths

Has the key
to every door

The moon in his right hand
And Sun on his left–
He stands Between.

Cachucha

It is the name of a dance. It is the name of a lovely pepper. It is the name of the dream wherein i was taught to dance with Life. And it is the name of this poem:

I do
do what the music in my head
It tells me to
tells me to dance
To dance with you

Twirl me, you
and Jazz, me move
Dance with life
you teach me too

And the Jazz falls down
The music is already gone
Jazz all over the floor
-Swing dance

Animals wear no pants
Why is my house this sad?

After
the wave breaks
Is what happens
when the music stops

How bound to it you are
how could I forget

And you do
do what the music in your head
It tells you to

Swing high
with the moon

But the music has already stopped
Jazz
all over the floor

Cool
Blue
Wave

Like the breaking of surf.

Emulation

I wear Spirit like a coat
A fur that keeps me warm

The cloak falls around my shoulders
And hand takes up mine
Power spirals through my hair
Spirit’s own heart
Is surely now my own

It is these feet
On which I run
Through the Forest

And with who’s eyes
I see that it is
Full of Medicine.

A spirit and a god

When Mars Looks Up

You stand in front of me
And I see you.
I see you with my body and my mind.

You touch me, with your
Right hand and your left

You look into my heart
And see what is there

You slow down time to be with me

When you stand behind me,
You hold my heart in your hands

And whisper my own secrets
To me

All that is missing is the moon
and then you bring her
Into the room.

–

Winter Grows Thin

Who has put a scar
Over the heart
Of Father Earth

In this dream
That I share
With the trees

Held tight under snow
In the arms
Of the Winterking

–

Out in the dusky light
Of the Wolf Moon
Long waning

Coyote laughs in the distance
Reminding me again
This too is a release

As while the music plays I
Dance with the Forest
Who dreams of me

Three Transitory Poems

Three stages of the asteroid Chiron’s transit..

————-

(late Aquarius)

Spirit Guide

Last nite
He gives me a lock of hair
And now he
Kisses my forehead
And I can feel
Golden currents
All through me
He tells me
That what he has to teach
Cannot be described
-So words needn’t matter

And then he gives me Sight
Steady golden light

Not like the flittery fairy
Or deep Winter’s Green

Why does he give me so much
I ask
And he tells me
-Because you accept it

But it’s nature is as light
And memory fades as fast

He tells me
That what he has to teach
Is still within me
And I needn’t remember
And reaches into my core
With honey and herbs
And eases the pain

Nothing is lost
And nothing is gained
Only come down this path with me
And offers me his hand…

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(glimpse at the mechanics of the natal Uranus/Chiron opposition, and probably other involved angles..)

(Don’t get even) Get Odd

God is in the body
Demons lie in the mind
It is a spirit standing by my side,
A star guiding in the sky
Pursues and becomes
Moon’s tidal waves

It is strange how
When we face eachother
Each would wish
To be the other -push away
And the gentle comet
Spirals back out
To safety

Like I move through time
Become my own midwife

Spirit says, he is not the seed,
But he is the little sprout

I say, one simple word
Can become Eternity’s window
….In, or out?

-The door is locked.
The key is tied round my wrist
-All my trust
Hanging on a string

Thread of hair called Promise
To sew back the open wound
And the goddess inside me
-My Angry soul

Binds us together
-Demon and Spirit
-Two moons in the sky
Planet and Abyss

And like a lizard we see
-Who have passed through the
Dragon’s Eye.
——

Another dying god
Bleeds on the land

Some live
One foot in each world
Some cannot cross the pain of death
Though tears hurt worse;
Some die for craving rebirth
Yet born anew,
Forget.

But through that Abyss
One can only cross alone-
Dumuzi cannot follow Inanna.
Hades misses Kore in summer.
——-

The big picture
Only fits in a widescreen head

Distortions
In the hologram

Seen through Neptune’s
Fish-eye lens
——–

Strength is a tool
Use it like fire
-To feed the soul

I challenge you to a duel
And you cannot refuse,
Warrior

But you are stronger than I
And see the openings
In my defenses

Plunge right through them
Reach into my soul
And pull demons from my heart
Bloody like babes

Gently open the scars
To bleed again
Take from my heart
Old arrowheads

And offer me yours
To use instead

Rebreak the bone
To mend the set
And offer herbs
Green and the red

You have seen all the places
I have been- but can one pull
Onesself out again?

-And so we offer
Eachother our hands.

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(Chiron enters Pisces)

SeaMoonGoddess Says

She is not the star
-She is the sky

She tells me that within me are
Both moon and key
-The time for refraction is past

-Once a rainbow in the sky
Now clear water in the stream
-Running down the mountainside

And still remembering
That electric Dream
The lightning of the mind
Strikes upon the oceans wide

Animal looks up
Sees the Moon come full

The mystery is me
That makes the man
Ask the moon

-She tells me beside a
Deep forest spring,
Even though she knows
I do not believe her.

And the questions is:
By the time I do
Will I remember what it was,
That she said?

On Spacetime Travel and the Comets Chiron and Hyakutake

Now I remember Lovecraft’s Theory of Interdimensional Travel.

The Hounds of Tindalos only traveled at angles. So you traveled in curves to get away from them. Guess I always traveled in curves, in spirals. But now I see the Fibernautilus with the curve and angles. Land in the curve where the angle does not, and you’ve lost them.

Thanks, Maynard. Tool came in Angles first, and now spirals. Now I am traveling curved space. Even in my dreams; the geometrical curving hallway, with so many side doors- breaking off sharp (a 90 degree angle; in Astrology, a Square) to my left, opening a door, and it was like all angles exploding, and the dream fell apart in a thousand little angle-shards. Like in the movie Inception. And once I apply what happened when I opened the door -the render fell apart- to the corridor before it, the hallway was like a spiral as a thousand tiny angles, incrementally changing (a circle would have been constant). I was certain it was a spiral. It looked like a big circle, but didn’t feel like one. The many shifted angles of the fact of it’s spiralness were being noticed and followed by the pure body. Inner ear, balance, direction. Instinct. Body was reading the code in the matrix, and knew exactly what kind of structure it was navigating, even though the place was not familiar. That is what instinct is. Mind was not the one running. Not what was being invigorated, exhilarated, by the spiralness.

But when I tried to jump off at a point, the dream collapsed. Perhaps it wasn’t the right door, it wasn’t at a proper Angle, or the stop was too sudden for the part of me that Dreams to comprehend. Like sudden light changes. It was different from anything I’ve ever dreamed. ‘Specially since the only reason I remembered the Lovecraftian theory was cause I’d just figured out how to do it. I’ve been trying to remember it for months.. It is spacetime travel. Seeing the Wrinkle in Time movie probly helped, too. I haven’t read the book since I was a kid.

First, there were the Angles: Lateralus was broken up, in it’s natural progression, the spiral shattered into a multitude of Angles, as when I opened the dream-door.

Astrologically, the Spiral is what happens when those angles on solid paper -the natal horoscope chart- are set into motion and/or affected on by current planets. They are the planets. Circle set into motion becomes a spiral, the motivating force is time. Time = Spiral.

A fascination with clocks that have 13 hours. 13 differentiates a spiral from a circle. The 13^th hour = dreaming. Extra time. Simultaneous time. Nonlinear-ness. You dream for minutes, it feels like hours.

This spiraling was not the obvious mode of travel before Comet rearranged the solar system again. Or before I started following the moon through the signs day by day, and only meeting the Spirit-guide from time to time. At Angles. To an extent, we still travel at Angles, but there are always exceptions. . .

The moon’s April-fool’s joke -or maybe the rest of the planets’ joke- for about half a sign -Pisces- the moon was Void of Course. Better than 24 hours.

Spirit guide can still go through the Void with me, as usual. This is the lack of Angles, the Void Moon. The curve of the ever-expanding spiral, the exhilarating fast slingshot around the sun- and now like comets we travel in Spirals through space- the cosmic dance- the Comets change solar system-partners in wide-arc dose-does and the virus that is Life spreads throughout the galaxy. Maybe even between them? And so I slingshot off the moon, and head for deep space, using gravity as an accelerator like Asimov..

Perhaps it would be more pleasant to say, ‘the program that is life,’ rather than virus. This program that also runs in spirals; fractal-generator Oak trees, leaves in springtime velvet. Antlers. Nautilus shells. And the comets which carry the program’s spiral DNA seed, also travel in spirals.

See a solar system in a circle. Insular. Isolated. Without something that travels in spirals, there is no hope of introduction, change, growth. But a spiral is an interference pattern. It’s interaction necessarily carries with it risks, disturbance. Danger.

Therefore the dangerous rulebreakers will bring in the catalyst for the miraculous. Damn pesty comets, re-arranging my nice little solar system again; as revolutionaries upend a country. Well, let’s hope that ain’t what gives the human race it’s much-needed attitude adjustment!

—–

—And back to the dream-hallway of curved-spacetime travel. . .

–If the body knows the way, but only the Mind goes- one has to be part, and comfortable as, animal. Instinct has to be in one’s Mind, as well as Body. The Whole Being- Spirit too- fused. A hybrid form, a creature that works out so well. This is the beast Centaur. A shaman dancing up a stag.

I experience the Human Animal, and the Animal Human, both contained at ease within the Mind, and I think I just learned to time travel. But how long will it take to master it, and how dangerous? Terrence McKenna said the reason the Mayan Calendar ended was that humans learned the ability to time travel, and the Universe went nonlinear, and therefore the calendar was irrelevant. So, they stopped writing it.

It is funny that Maynard teaches me this, with sonic immersion. Tool gives me this dream from Fibonacci Lateralus, the album re-ordered, and now I no longer have the urge, the compulsion, to listen to Tool. Not today. I have learned what the music had to teach. First, Angles. Then, Spirals.

And the Universe fills up with laughter, echoing out as both a curve and an angle, a wave and a particle. This is geometry like a psylocybe painting. Like Neptune approaching the sign of Pisces. A shooting star beside the moon. All brains naturally contain the proper ingredients somewhere deep within. But sometimes the entry is rough- an airplane flying through a storm, to get to open sky above, up where only the Dragons fly.. Dragons, with many bodies but one mind, all flying under the liquid oceanic moonlight.. And so, I stumble upon the other half of the comet equation, as far as space is concerned. Many levels to this strange guide, and on each level, a hybrid creature.

One comet is always close, rogue in the sense that it broke even comets’ rules, and stayed within the solar system, orbiting between Saturn and Uranus, the bridge between the outer and inner, personal and universal, rules and rebellion, Structural time and Timelessness- Only a small little sub-planet, both asteroid and comet, it’s coma small and dwindling because always burning away. An astrological influence of shamanic-healing and quite an enigma for astrologers, especially since it can be curiously strong, for being so small. This one is Chiron.

The Other One is the old bright Hyakutake. Passing through only once every many thousand years… And I love the name. Makes me think of cheesy big swords. :-)

A true cosmic explorer, a wide-spiral comet, whose path is different each time, each slingshot around the sun he spirals out, keeps going farther, until one day, he will be free of our star, as perhaps he was free before, and he will travel on, shining brightly each time he finds one, for the long cold times in between.

A dangerous outsider to the calm order of things. A changer. Not a rebel but some kind of Sacred Warrior of the Absolute. Stunning to behold. Hard to miss if one has half an eye open. He who takes the 13^th step so many are afraid of, in our calm, inner-Saturnine order, and travels the spiral.. and goes where none of us has been, past the order of the circle. Goes beyond the seen, into the Void, the Unknown.. Deep Space again..

As comet Hyakutake passed the moon, it dropped someone new into a spirit-world.. When the moon passes her reflection in my own life, he is no-where to be found. I know he’s been there, as a spirit that stands beside me. But Hyakutake may drop things, but is not a key. Spirit says he hasn’t had enough time to observe, to feel. The time is not for action.

Hyakutake knows moon. Chiron does not. Chiron is key. Chiron = experiential learning, traveling on the spiral, each experience new and different though it may appear the same, all that lovely greenwitch/wise-woman stuff which I discovered when young, and the young, forming and growing spiritguide soaked up like a sponge, better than I and more completely. Only to later teach me, in time to the music, when I could better understand it. But he’s always known about the moon; he can get there without Angles, but I yet can’t. Chiron has to come around, for complete understanding and integration of all natural power within a natal planet. To sever some ties, to establish others, perhaps. A shaman, very powerful. Of great experience, from which he has acquired and brought back much wisdom from his far journeys. I am only his pupil. I am still learning, and now we’ve begun a new lesson. Time travel seems almost an introductory course. The colors I wear Journeying belie a strange concept.. That the student shall become the teacher’s teacher. A circular world. But only possible through the ability to access the curved space angularly, to move crosswise through the Spiral of Time..

Still there are blank spots. Things I do not understand. Maybe this is why, when I meet our fearsome goddess, spirit-guide is no-where. Still on the other side, with my body ironically. But initiates must make that journey alone. All the shaman, the teacher can do is remain behind and watch over the body. But fear is the restrictive force. I go towards it, now I see, to loosen it’s hold. In the microcosmic world, spirit-comet already has understanding of things lunar and tidal. Because it was from the moon that Hyakutake dropped him. Outside that small place, Chiron needs to gain experience, before making his move. It will be deep, decisive, penetrating, precise. To be accurate, he must know the territory every stone and weed. As a healer, especially the weeds. Spirit beside me has locked in him all the experience of the being in the little World. But Chiron is the key. Experience is the healer. Hyakutake is more the Sacred Warrior with the Cheesy Big Sword. Which is hilarious. Makes me see a familiar spirit, animae style.

Comet (Hyakutake) knows what to do, has been there many times and infact rarely ever leaves. But comet (Chiron) is the one who can explain, show, teach. Hyakutake breaks rules, Chiron heals and makes new ones.